funny one liners saying proverbs

A closed mind is a good thing to lose.
A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. (Chinese proverb)
A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.."
The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts."
A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
A compliment is a statement of an agreeable truth; flattery is the statement of an agreeable untruth. (Sir John A. MacDonald)
A computer beat me at chess once.
But, it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conference is a gathering of important people who individually can't do anything but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.
A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
A crisis is when you can't say: "let's forget the whole thing".
A crumb from a winner's table is better than a feast from a loser's table!
Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. (Kimberley Broyles)
A dancer goes quick on her beautiful legs; a duck goes quack on her beautiful eggs.
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.
A dog inside a kennel barks at his fleas. A dog hunting does not notice them.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
Adolescence and snow are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. (Harvey Mackay)
A drop of ink may make a million think.
A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.
We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
Adversity doesnt build character, it reveals it.
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. (Erica Jong)
A face without freckles is like a sky without stars.
A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience. (Elbert Hubbard)
A fair face may fade, but a beautiful soul last forever.
A fall will always make a wise man wiser. (ancient Chinese)
A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve.
The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs.
She asked what he was doing.
He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma ! I think I'm having a wife."
A farmer learns more from a bad harvest than a good one.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked: "What happened to the flea?"
Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. (C.S. Lewis)
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
A five year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal.
He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night."
His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.
A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma.
Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"
The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
A flea and a fly in a flue
were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea "let us fly"
said the fly" let us flee"
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.
"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.
Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you become, and still gently invites you to grow.
A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room.
A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks beside you in the shadows.
A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have. (Abraham Lincoln)
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
A friend to all is a friend to none.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.
After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. (Thoreau's First Theory of Adaptation)
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.

Side Effects Of Alcohol very funny

Side Effects Of Alcohol - A Warning Message ... Last 1 is ultimate

1. Symptom: When u feel Cold and humid feet.
Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring theDrink on your feet).
Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
You're lying on the floor.
Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
You're looking through an empty glass.
Quickly refill with your favorite drink!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
You're being dragged away.
At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
You have your glass on your ear.
Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
You're in the wrong house.
Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and The music is very repetitive.
Cause :
You're in an ambulance.
Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

मराठी पी.जे. funny marathi p j

Check out these funny marathi P J. ( मराठी पी. )

१. एका एकादशीला सगळे प्राणी उपवास करतात. मग, देवाची पूजा करण्यासाठी चालत चालत मंदिरात जातात. पण, कोंबडी जात नाही. का?
उ. कारण, उपवासाला कोंबडी चालत नाही.

2. चिनी कुत्र्याचे नाव काय ?
उ. हे हुंग ते हुंग

3. भारत सोडून जाणार्‍या माणसाला काय म्हणाल ?
उ. हिंदुस्तान लिव्हर

4.नेपाळमध्ये चोर्‍या का होत नाहीत ?
उ. कारण तिथे सगळेच गुरखे आहेत.

5.रशियन डोअरकिपरचे नाव काय ?
उ. उभा का बस की

6. कारणे द्या - गांडुळ शेतक-याचा मित्र आहे
उ. शेतकरी शेतात एकट्याने राबतो आणि गांडुळ त्याच्याशी गप्पा मारते म्हणुन.

7. औफिसमध्ये साहेबांच्या निरोपसमारंभ ... लिनाबाई समारंभाचं भाष्ण करायला आल्या....
"साहेबांच्या हाताखाली काम करता करता दिवस कसे गेले ते कळलंच नाही"
.... आणि सभाग्रहात जोरदार हशा ...!

निबंध :- माझा आवडता पक्षी : कोंबडी

मला सगळेच प्राणी आवडतात. प्राणी खुप चविष्ट लागतात.
कोंबडी विशेषतः अधिक चविष्ट असल्याने माझा आवडता पक्षी आहे.

कोंबडीपासुन वेगवेगळे पदार्थ बनवता येतात. मला ते बनवता येत नाहीत पण खाता येतात.

कोंबडी शाकाहारी असते. त्यामुळे मला तिचा आदर वाटतो. गांधीजी सुध्धा शाकाहारी होते म्हणुन मला त्यांचा सुध्धा आदर वाटतो.

कोंबडीला ताप येतो. ताप आल्यावर माणसे पाणी उकळवून पितात. पण ताप आलेली कोंबडी चांगली उकळवून न घेता खाल्ली तर तो ताप माणसाला होऊन त्याच्यामुळे होणारा ताप कायमचा जाऊ शकतो. याच तापाला "बर्ड फ्यु" का असेच काहीतरी नाव इंग्रजी नाव आहे. मला गणित व इंग्रजी येत नसल्याने मला शाळेत खुप ताप होतो.

कोंबडीला दगड मारल्यावर ती पकाक असा आवाज काढते. मला तो खूप आवडतो. नाना पाटेकरचा पक पक पकाक असा सिनेमा आहे. भरत जाधवचा पण जत्रा नावाचा कोंबडीवर सिनेमा आहे. तो मात्र अतिशय वाईट होता. सिनेमा बघणे वाईट असते असे मोठी माणसे सांगतात पण मला सिनेमा पाहणे आवडते.

पुर्वीचे लोक कोंबड्या चोरत त्यांना कोंबडीचोर म्हनत. चोरी करणे चूक आहे. चोरी केल्यावर आजकाल जेलमध्ये टाकतात. पुर्वी जेलमध्ये जाणे वाईट मानत व लोक त्यांचा तिरस्कार करत पण आज जेलमध्ये जाणार्‍याला लोक नेता म्हणुन निवडून देउन "लोकसभा" नावाच्या ठिकाणी पाठवतात. तिथे गेल्याने माणुस खुप श्रिमंत होतो असे माझे बाबा सांगतात.

कोंबदी अंडे देते. ते बहूपयोगी आहे. "आओ सिखाउ तुम्हे अण्डे का फण्डा" या गाण्यात त्याचे वर्णन आहे. त्या गण्यात मोनीका बेदी आहे. तिला जेलमध्ये अंडी देत होते.

अंडे संडे या मंडे खाल्ले पाहीजे. मंडेला काही लोकांचा उपास असतो. नेल्सन मंडेला यांचा उपास असतो का हे मला माहित नाही. असो....

कोंबडीचा बळी देतात. बळी देणे वाईट प्रथा आहे असे परवा गुरूजी कोंबडीवडे खाताना सांगत होते. गुरूजींना जाड भींगाचा चष्मा आहे. वाह्यात मुले त्याना कोंबडी पकड असे म्हणतात. कोंबदीला पळत जाऊन पकडने माणसाला हुशार बनवते.

पुर्वी कोंबडा आरवायचा. कोंबडी झोपुन असायची. आजकाल मोबाईल आरवतो.

निबंध :- माझा आवडता प्राणी : गाढव

तसे मला सगळेच प्राणी आवडतात पण लांबुनच बघायला ते ठिक वाटतात. पण या सर्व प्राण्यांमध्ये "गाढव " हा माझा सर्वात आवडता प्राणी आहे.

गाढवाला २ डोळे, २ कान, ४ पाय व १ शेपूट असते. त्याच्या अंगावर काहि वेळा पट्टे मारलेले दिसतात. त्यावेळी ते मला झेब्र्यासारखे वाटते. आपण रस्ता नेहमी झेब्रा क्रोसिंग वरुनच क्रोस करवा. झेब्रा हा प्राणी प्रामुख्याने जंगलात आढळतो. पण आजकाल जंगल आढळत नाही. त्यामुळे झेब्रा कुठे असतो ते मला माहित नाही. कमल हसन च्या "हिदुस्थानी" नावाच्या सिनेमामध्ये खुप सरे झेब्रे दाखवले होते त्यामुळे सिनेमावाले झेब्रे पाळत असल्याची मला शक्यता वाटते.पण सलमान खान नावाचा नट हरणांच्या शिकारीबरोबरच झेब्र्याची सुध्धा शिकार करत असल्याची शक्यता असल्याने सध्या सिनेमात झेब्रे दाखवत नाहित. मला "किंगकॉग" नावाचा अस्वलाचा सिनेमा आवडतो.

ईसापनितीमध्ये गाढवाच्या खुप गोष्टी आहेत. माझी आज्जी मला रोज झोपताना गोष्टी सांगते. पण ईसापनितीमध्ये गाढवाला नेहमीच बावळट म्हणुन दाखविले आहे, हे चुकिचे आहे. त्यामध्ये सांगितल्या प्रमाणे गाढवाला पदार्थांची चव कळत नाही. पण मला गोड पदार्थांची चव खुप आवडते. माझे "बाबा" व "शाळेचे गुरूजी" पण मला नेहमी "गाढव आहेस" असे म्हणतात. त्यांच्यापेक्षा माझी आई माझा खुप लाड करते, म्हणुन ती मला खुप आवडते. ती मला गोड्-गोड पदार्थ खायला देते.
गाढवाचे प्रमुख वैशिष्ट्य म्हणजे ते खुप लाथा मारते. "WWF" नावाच्या खेळात "BATISTA" नावाचा प्राणी सुध्धा खुप लाथा मारतो पण तो गाढव नसुन रेडा आहे. माझा दादा म्हणतो त्या खेळातिल सर्व काही खोटे असते त्यामुळे मला तोच गाढव असल्याची शंका येते. मी त्याला असे म्हटल्यावर त्याने मला गाढवासारख्या लाथा मारल्या.पण मला "WWF" पहायला खुप आवडते. अजुन १ गोष्ट म्हणजे गाढव रात्री खुप जोरात "ढोंच्यु .... ढोंच्यु" असे ओरडत बसते त्यामुळे माझी झोप मोड होते. मला तो आवज चांगला काढता येतो पण तो काढल्यावर माझी आई माझ्या कानाखाली आवज काढते. त्यामुळे कधिकधी मला खुप रडु येते.
माझे बाबा म्हणतात की "गाढवाच्या मागे व साहेबाच्या पुढे कधी उभे राहु नये" साहेब व गाढव यांच्यातिल संबंध मला काहि कळला नाही. कदाचित ते पण लाथा मारत असावेत. तसा माझा साहेब सुध्धा गाढवच आहे. म्हणुन मी त्यांच्या पुढे ऊभे न राहता शेजारी ऊभे राहतो.

गाढव शक्यतो रस्त्यावर राहते. भारतात रस्त्यावर भिकारी पण राहतात. काहि दिवसांपुर्वी भिकार्‍यांवर "ट्राफिक सिग्नल " नावाचा सिनेमा आला होता. तो मला मुळीच आवडला नाही. खुप घाण सिनेमा होता. आपल्याकडे " आडला हरि गाढवाचे प्पय धरी " अशी १ म्हण आहे. पण तो पुढचे धरतो का मागचे ते मला माहित नाही. अजुन १ गोष्ट म्हणजे त्या म्हणीतिल "हरि" मी नसुन दुसरा कोनी तरी आहे. तो कोण आहे हे मला माहीत नाही.

"गाढवीच्या" अशी एक शिवी सुध्धा आहे. मला अजुन खुप शिव्या येतात पण माझे बाबा मला शिव्या दिल्यावर मारतात. पण एकंदरित शिवीगाळ चांगली नव्हे त्यामुळे मार बसतो. माझी ताई सकाळी पाणी "गाळ" आहे असे ओरडत होती, मी तिला गाढव म्हणतो.

Funny Crazy faces - LOL

avadta pakshi badak - must read

Check out this funny essay on duck........आवडता पक्षी--बदक !!....

बदक मला आवडते!!..
बदक पाण्यात असते !!..मी पण पाणीपितो!!आमच्या बाजूचे बबन काका दारू पितात!!..
दारू वाईट असते असेगांधीजी सांगत!!..

गांधीजी मोट्ठे नेते होते!!..पण त्यांच्या हातात काठी पणअसते!!..काठी पाण्यावर तरंगते..व बदक सुद्धा तरंगते!!..

बदक जास्त उड़तनाही..पण पोहते..मी पण swimming ला जाणार आहे!!.बदक वाकड्यापायाने चालते..
आमच्या building मधल्या सुलेखाला आम्ही बदकम्हणतो! (सुलेखाताइने मला काठीने मारले!!)..बदक काठीने मारत नाही!!..

गांधीजी काठी वापरत;म्हणुन आपला देश लवकर स्वतंत्रझाला...आमच्या घरी कपडे वाळत घालायला काठी वापरतात!!..(आमचीआज्जी कुत्र्यांना घबरवायला काठी वापरते!!)..

आमच्या घरात चिमण्या वकबुतरे येतात...खिडकीपाशी कावले पण येतात..!!पण बदक येतनाही!!..कारण ते उंच उडू शकत नाही!!..(आम्ही १ st floor ला राहतो)...

पण बदक पाण्यात रोज आंघोळ करते!! ..मी पण आंघोळकरतो..कारण आई ओरडत असते!!..
पण मी पाच मिनीटात आंघोळकरतो!! बदक रोज आंघोळ करते म्हणुन ते गोरे असते ...
(पण काले बदकसुद्धा असते ...ते बहुतेक आंघोळ करत नाही!!)

...मला बदक खुप आवडते!!

ABCD Technology kids funny song

We all in our childhood have studied the ABCD book containing pictures to make a child understand better.  The next generation ACBD book will contain the following examples.

A for Apple

B for Bluetooth

C for Chatting

D for Download

E for Email

F for Facebook

G for Google

H for HTML

I for Iphone

J for Java

K for Kingston

L for Laptop

M for Message

N for Nero

O for Orkut

P for Picasa

Q for Quicktime

R for Ram

S for server

T for Twitter

U for USB

V for Vista

W for WiFi

X for XP

Y for Youtube

Z for Zorpia

Technology will be more common in near future.

abcd song for kids funny

Check this funny style of ABCD song for kids.

A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaana hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii khane padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaraasa aur khaalo aaple..........

weird things & faces pictures

Source: verparacreer website

funny IT poem - Ten Little Gigabytes

Hey check this funny poem for computer programmers / IT professionals.

Ten little gigabytes

Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line
one caught a virus, then there were nine.

Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date,
someone jambed a write protect, then there were eight.

Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven,
then they cut the budget, now there are seven.

Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathamatics
stored an even larger prime, now there are six.

Six little gigabytes, working like a hive,
one died of overwork, now there are five.

Five little gigabytes, trying to add more
plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four.

Four little gigabytes, failing frequently,
one used for spare parts, now there are three.

Three little gigabytes, have too much to do
service man on holiday, now there are two.

Two little gigabytes, badly over run,
took the work elsewhere, now just need one.

One little gigabyte, systems far too small
shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.

funny weird mobile phone pictures

checkout this Marlboro mobile phone picture. isn't it funny.

 And this is gun mobile. ha ha

very funny weird pictures

checkout these very very funny weird pictures. Weird and funny stuff, very unusual stuff, great funny pictures and things too weird to speak of - Weird Stuff Man, and Crazy Stuff Too